The Will to Post

It's been an interesting couple weeks.

I've been starting a new diet plan that normally I would say takes the joy out of eating: no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no processed food, no processed oils.  What's left?  Meat and vegetables (except potatoes: no starch) and some fruit (no bananas, no dried fruit...). And thank god for eggs...the source of all life for me.  This humongous (and I actually mean that) shift in my eating has the usual side effects--the ones we all know so well: hunger pangs and...

One would think there would be other side effects that I've found but no.  Just the feeling of hunger.  But in my goal to be much more intentional about everything (and thusly "doing yoga"), I've really come face to face with just how emotional eating is; all the side effects I've had so far except for the feeling of hunger are social and emotional.

I've had to come face to face with all the things food has been hiding. The boredom, anxiety, and dissatisfaction that comes with, in many ways, just being unhappy.  With things.  With myself, with my life.  And there's a certain freedom and relief in that realization.  I've always known about the boredom, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.  But I never felt a physical connection to those.  What I've come to see even in just the few weeks I've really, let's say, simplified my diet is food for what it is: sustenance.

It's not a babysitter.  It can be, but then it messes with you.  It's not fixer of maladies (except hunger).  It can be used that way, but then it messes with you.  Without all that stuff--at its most basic--food sustains you physically.

And, boy, does life get so much more interesting.

Despite very few calories every day, I feel the flickerings of an energy I haven't felt for a very, very long time.  I wake up and can see brilliant ideas, concerned and compassionate ideas, flash past me.  I have the will to do things that I haven't for awhile: like chores and being efficient around my apartment.  (Don't leave those pants on the floor; I should deal with the dining room table situation; put the dishes in the dishwasher). I feel like writing again on most days even if I don't do it.  The pull toward the tv and my couch is one I can mostly battle against successfully.

I've also learned just how awful caffeine has been for my emotional state...for the past 20+ years.  I have always been a high stress kinda gal, expecting a lot from myself and others.  But I had no idea how manic caffeine was making me.  Coming off of it was almost a totally emotional process; I had weaned myself off any physical need for it probably weeks ago but last Monday I went emotionally cold turkey.  While it felt hard and like I wanted it, in every other way I felt such a sense of relief.  I feel so much less anxious, with a clearer head, and with so much less anger. I didn't expect that caffeine was a cause of aggression but the result for me was stunning.  I miss the kick but not enough to adopt it back fully (I'm drinking decaf when I need the taste...it's fine...it's appeal will wear off completely I think eventually).

In a lot of ways, it's been a whole new way of life and I like it a lot.  I feel saner and in a funny way less burdened. It's like driving a car out of the car wash or getting your hair cut; shedding that unnecessary outer layer is good for the soul.  For so long, I've operated under the assumption that the mind-body link worked in one way: the mind told the body what to do.  The mind was superior. Recently, I've begun to see and feel the need to wonder what happens to my life if I reverse that relationship: how can the body feed the mind, literally and figuratively?

Obviously, they both feed each other.  But for so long I've ignored the power of the body.  I'm really curious to see where that balance can take me.