The Monday Round-Up #2 and Wednesday Round-Up #3

Alright, so I fell a little behind last week due to a LOT of singing, which means a lot of sitting.  But this week I'm back on the horse and doing a retrospective of the good, the bad, and the ugly of the past couple weeks.

The Good

• Sticking with this thing. I have royally surprised myself by sticking with this diet plan and not just sticking with it but actually kinda finding the groove.  Admittedly, I now understand the importance of the first week of fasting and general "no fun"-ness because it's been long enough now that I've forgotten what artificial delicious tastes like and I am just enjoying the food that I actually do get to eat.

• Cooking for myself is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  I think this is also part of finding the groove.  I'm getting better at basic things--like understanding spices which, admittedly, have always been somewhat of a mystery to me.  
• Best Find of the Week Ingredient: Nutritional Yeast.  Man, if you're not eating real cheese, this sure does do the trick in making you mostly, sort of, think you are.  Also beloved because the natural community types call it "Nooch" which I think I love.
• Best Find of the Week Utensils: Mason jars.  This is the one key I've not found before in the ever-growing challenge of bringing my lunch: fun and functional.  Turns out, I fucking hate Tupperware.  These glass jars literally will carry everything and they're a weird, fun talking point with people who have not been clued in to this geniusness in food packery.

• Momentum is building. I'm starting to find that wonderful little spot in the process where that feeling of being "pinched" grows less and less.  Also helpful there is my jeans growing looser and looser and, thus, helping me fully realize this metaphor.  Starting to see some results.  I feel so much better I can't even begin to explain and imagining living like this for a good while becomes less daunting and (gasp!) even starts to make sense.  What?

The Bad

• Food Cravings are real and will break you.  They haven't broken me yet, but they've threatened.  Thankfully, they go as quickly as they come so I don't feel completely obsessed.  But I can't stop thinking about donuts.  And cupcakes.  And pastry.  I've even started allowing much more pedestrian things like cinnamon bread enter in to the yearnings.  This has brought about a whole host of things I've tried to just stay focused on what I'm doing.  I'm very sorry fitness professionals, but drinking water and having a nice piece of sugar-free gum didn't make the list.  I just try to hang in there until the feeling is gone--usually having a tasty beverage (Zevia, bless you) does the trick.

• Anti-socialness is a familiar bedfellow. I hate to say it, but this eating plan is not friend friendly.  I was flummoxed by my brazen willpower at a birthday party this weekend 1) at a bar 2) with mounds of delicious cupcakes (I can only assume) 3) full of fried food potential and 4) with the best beer in the world on tap.  I drank white wine.  That's it.  But my friends of old looked at me with supportive-cum-stupefied eyes.  I know, kids.  Big changes for everybody.  It's so much easier to do this plan in the shadows of my own little cave with my low-calorie EVOO spray and fake butter-flavored god-knows-what to spritz on my third serving of eggs.  I tend toward anti-socialness anyway so this is such an easy slope for me to slip into.

The Ugly

• All metrics are out to thwart me. I need to keep a real eye on getting obsessed with readings on the scale and the ketostix.  I'm prone to this anyway but, once again, I can feel that both have come to rule my life and are literally the only things that cause me to panic on this plan.  Eating no sugar, fine.  How 'bout cutting out coffee? Um, okay...sort of.  No food that causes any kind of immediate delight? Great.  All of those, I take in stride.  But even knowing that the scale is influenced by so many things does not change the fact that when I get on there and that stupid number hasn't moved in a few days or (gasp! again) it goes up, it ruins my day.  I start to doubt everything.  If the ketostix are beige, I'm failing.  I know how I got this mindset.  Now I need to start changing it.  I can't live at the will of these stupid metrics when they are only one kind of indicator of 1) my progress and 2) my health and 3) my happiness.  In fact, there not indicating anything about my happiness.

Alright...that's the story today.  More updates to come at some point in the future.

The Monday Round-Up #1

I know Fridays are usually for round-ups.  But I like to start reflecting on the past week on Mondays because weekends should be the joyous ends of the week and not the glowing beginnings of a week that's only sure to go somewhat downhill, what with work and all.

I usually dread Mondays.  I'm so human and cliche that way.  I'm not one of those folks that claims to have a job that just jolts me out of bed every workday, wild with excitement about what I "get to do" at work.  That'll be my next big project but until then, I'm a stunningly bored at my job and it's just not a natural fit.  The reason I'm not going out of my mind is because of all of the flexible lifestyle choices it affords me: mostly casual dress, VERY laid back office, start time when I want, work and home option if it makes sense.  For everything outside of the actual work that it offers me, I'm sold for now.  So dealing with my approach to the boredom is part of doing yoga.

How do I not start to let that eat away at me?  What are the opportunities present to me here?  How can I make something out of this than I can market to the next employer?  These are the questions crossing my mind almost constantly at work.

The Good

Financial Budgeting is now in process.  I found an EXCELLENT online budget tool called YNAB (You Need a Budget)...um, yes, I do.  I got into it on Friday and it's incredible!  So much better than stupid Mint.  One of the things that's different is it allows you to set specific goals easily in each of your spending categories...it felt so liberating to articulate a couple goals I've had in my head but never really beyond.  It's whole philosophy is "give every dollar a job" which is perfect for me because I have the discipline I need, I just need a plan to follow.  This plan really helped me think about where my money should go as opposed to just buying stuff and being totally reactive to it.

My taxes worked in my favor...for once. Taxes me me crazy; it feels like gambling with money I know is mine but that someone else is controlling.  I really hate that.  Thankfully, my brief unemployment stint and the interest I already paid on my student loans helped make it not a blood bath.  Thank you Financial Jesus.

Food Discipline.  Followed my plan almost 100% perfectly.  I had to add in Quest Bars on days I work out because I was feeling very woozy with so few calories.  Otherwise, I'm getting into a rhythm.

A Great Start to the New Week. Anyway, for this reason, workdays--especially Mondays--drag mercilessly on.  But this morning, I woke up so calm. Not groggy, just without anxiety about this day.  This probably has to do the lack of caffeine I've managed to maintain for the past 2 weeks.  Also, the wonderful amount of sleep I've been getting.  Yesterday I took a nap AND got about 7 hours of sleep.  After the night before during which I slept 9.5 hours.  This uptick, I'm sure, courtesy of the strikingly smaller amount of caffeine.

Everything was better today.  I woke up with hair ready to walk out the door.  A unicorn of a hair day.  I knew exactly what I wanted to wear courtesy of the freakishly warm early spring day.  My food today is beyond simple...so that was an easy preparation and I even had the mind to make and take with me 2 cups of coffee because I always want another one and I don't want to go out to get it.  Fantastic.  The extended walk to my car felt good, the commute was easy, and this day is completely beautiful.

Even I feel like this is so saccharine-sweet it's hard to read.  But it's true.  What I'm finding today and I think probably will continue to find is that when the fundamental pieces are in place, life feels better.  It hums along, not dragging you behind it but allowing you to hop on and watch the scenery.  And I'm learning that what I need is a project.  I need things to work toward.  Things to complete.  Otherwise, I'll drown in the sea of possibilities.

The Challenges

Sugar Craving. Yesterday I was craving sugar something fierce. All day long, I just dreamed about donuts.  And then I found on one of the YouTube channels I follow a video of people EATING donuts. This just made everything worse.  That shit is real.  It pulls you back in.  I wonder if this will ever abate or if I'll just crave it forever.

Procrastination. Normally, I see this as part of my personality but I'm talking MASSIVE procrastination hit on Saturday when I had to do my taxes.  This caused a lot of anxiety and so all day long I just sat on it.  The upside was I finally did them on Saturday and, of course, they weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be.  But all day long, I just let the lethargy of that anxiety rule me.  Basically, fear won most of the day.  It's something I'm really trying to work on.  Not by jumping out of planes or taking abnormal risks but just being mindful of the times that I can feel fear working on (against) my being brave.  Seize the taxes, Katie.  The state of Illinois can bend you but will never break you.

Clutter. Damn that clutter.  My apartment was practically clean about 3 weeks ago and now it's a freaking mess again.  I need to put this on the priority list.  Now that I've got a very clear eating plan and can feel the flow of my "new" day, maybe I can devote one hour to de-cluttering.  It's not that I lack time.  It's that I have this crazy attachment to a lot of my stuff.  I don't like throwing stuff out.  But the time has come.  Let's start gettin' 'er done.

That's about it.  Last week felt a little like a blur with all my rehearsals after work but it's a positive blur so I'm not going to complain about that.  Here's to this week.  May every day be like this one!

The Will to Post

It's been an interesting couple weeks.

I've been starting a new diet plan that normally I would say takes the joy out of eating: no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, no grains, no processed food, no processed oils.  What's left?  Meat and vegetables (except potatoes: no starch) and some fruit (no bananas, no dried fruit...). And thank god for eggs...the source of all life for me.  This humongous (and I actually mean that) shift in my eating has the usual side effects--the ones we all know so well: hunger pangs and...

One would think there would be other side effects that I've found but no.  Just the feeling of hunger.  But in my goal to be much more intentional about everything (and thusly "doing yoga"), I've really come face to face with just how emotional eating is; all the side effects I've had so far except for the feeling of hunger are social and emotional.

I've had to come face to face with all the things food has been hiding. The boredom, anxiety, and dissatisfaction that comes with, in many ways, just being unhappy.  With things.  With myself, with my life.  And there's a certain freedom and relief in that realization.  I've always known about the boredom, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.  But I never felt a physical connection to those.  What I've come to see even in just the few weeks I've really, let's say, simplified my diet is food for what it is: sustenance.

It's not a babysitter.  It can be, but then it messes with you.  It's not fixer of maladies (except hunger).  It can be used that way, but then it messes with you.  Without all that stuff--at its most basic--food sustains you physically.

And, boy, does life get so much more interesting.

Despite very few calories every day, I feel the flickerings of an energy I haven't felt for a very, very long time.  I wake up and can see brilliant ideas, concerned and compassionate ideas, flash past me.  I have the will to do things that I haven't for awhile: like chores and being efficient around my apartment.  (Don't leave those pants on the floor; I should deal with the dining room table situation; put the dishes in the dishwasher). I feel like writing again on most days even if I don't do it.  The pull toward the tv and my couch is one I can mostly battle against successfully.

I've also learned just how awful caffeine has been for my emotional state...for the past 20+ years.  I have always been a high stress kinda gal, expecting a lot from myself and others.  But I had no idea how manic caffeine was making me.  Coming off of it was almost a totally emotional process; I had weaned myself off any physical need for it probably weeks ago but last Monday I went emotionally cold turkey.  While it felt hard and like I wanted it, in every other way I felt such a sense of relief.  I feel so much less anxious, with a clearer head, and with so much less anger. I didn't expect that caffeine was a cause of aggression but the result for me was stunning.  I miss the kick but not enough to adopt it back fully (I'm drinking decaf when I need the taste...it's fine...it's appeal will wear off completely I think eventually).

In a lot of ways, it's been a whole new way of life and I like it a lot.  I feel saner and in a funny way less burdened. It's like driving a car out of the car wash or getting your hair cut; shedding that unnecessary outer layer is good for the soul.  For so long, I've operated under the assumption that the mind-body link worked in one way: the mind told the body what to do.  The mind was superior. Recently, I've begun to see and feel the need to wonder what happens to my life if I reverse that relationship: how can the body feed the mind, literally and figuratively?

Obviously, they both feed each other.  But for so long I've ignored the power of the body.  I'm really curious to see where that balance can take me.

WeightNot Report: Week 1

So, as part of my yoga journey, it came to me that it's time to shed that which is no longer serving me: the weight I acquired when sitting at my desk for 12 hours a day or more writing my dissertation.  So, I started a very structured, mostly expensive diet program that will take about 6 months to complete.  I need to chronicle my progress (for myself when the times get rough) so here's the first installment.

Week 1:

Like so many, this was not my first rodeo when it comes to a structured diet plan.  Clearly, that means a trail of failed structured diet plans.  So, when I found this program I was both hopeful but also skeptical.  The promises are the same as everyone else, bar a couple I thought were interesting.  More on that later.  I am only into day 5 of this program and my life has already changed beyond recognition.

I was seeking more that just weight loss.  I had terrible fatigue--couldn't get off the couch fatigue. And creaky/sore joints.  I didn't sleep well.  I felt exhausted all the time and spent a lot of mental energy fighting off really incredible sugar cravings.  And I couldn't lose a pound to save my soul.

Because of this, I have a habit of pre-disappointment when it comes to stepping on the scale.  Like a reflex, I tell myself, "I probably didn't lose anything today."  For the last 4 days, I've made myself a liar.  But it's even more than that.  More as a record for myself but interesting to whomever, here are the observable ways my life has changed since Monday (and I'm writing this on Friday):

• Energy Returneth. The 2-day fast was instrumental here I think.  ALSO, NOT DRINKING CAFFEINE MADE EVERYTHING CLEAR. Literally and physically for me.  Taking it out made me see I was much more emotionally involved in drinking coffee than anything physical it was doing for me.  Once I had physically detoxed, the hard part was filling that time and space with something else.  Once I had to, i immediately started sleeping better and having more energy.
• Sleep Becomes Me. I didn't take any melatonin this week.  I was falling asleep on my couch at 10pm.  That hasn't happened in years.
• 10,000 Steps. I've never committed to this before.  I knew I should do it but I wasn't.  What a difference they make.  I feel like it's easier to move in general and it no longer seems THAT FAR.  
• Lost Weight.  I had become convinced that I couldn't lose anything anymore.  I'm no longer convinced.

I did make myself a couple promises that I've stuck to like glue this week that I think are key to all of this:

Rule 1: If you're going to commit, commit.  No. Cheating. Ever.  This is hard.  I love to cheat.  But not even an extra tomato slice or piece of lettuce.  All food weighed.  All liquid measured. No coffee, no caffeine, no alcohol.  No excuses.  (The cost of this program is a GREAT motivator that way for sure).

Rule 2: Drink enough water.  I'm drinking way more than the required 64 oz.  I don't care, I have my goal and I'm drinking it, come hell or high water.  Pun intended.

Rule 3: You will walk 10,000 steps.  This rule runs through my head especially on days when I "don't have time" to fit in a walk as an extra activity.  I'm parking my car literally a mile away from my house on those days to get these steps in.  In the rain.  In the snow.  It doesn't matter.  This goal, I find the most grating...but it's probably the healthiest of them all.

I'm writing this mostly to record for myself the immediate changes as they happen so I can chronicle this process.  I have to admit, I was prepared for it not to work.

I was wrong. 

A Recovering Grad Student

I'm not sure the actual point in my life that I became "couch-potato" level sedentary...oh wait, I can...it was my dissertation. 

In my life, I can remember having only one lasting, steadfast dream.  I wanted a PhD.  Not ardently.  But realistically.  I've always been "the smart one" and a PhD felt like climbing the Everest of intellectual capacity.  I wanted to see if I could do it.  I wanted certification for my smartness

[Sidebar: A PhD does none of those things.  I know that now.  My disappointment in that was so real and vast.  If I'm disillusioned about academia that's why.  It's like arriving to a mountain across the globe that you've dreamed about climbing your whole life and wallpapered your room with posters of only to realize once you're there that it's made out of garbage.  I can rant about academia (and probably will) longer than I should.  Sidebar over.]

Basically for ten years my usual schedule involved waking up around 9am, getting a cup of coffee, sitting at my desk and reading/writing/thinking for six hours.  Repeat the cycle 3 times.  Maybe sometimes around 10pm, I'd go out to a bar with friends and drink beer until the wee hours.  Then the next day would start hung over.  In between, I'd pepper that schedule with whatever food I could muster.  Sometimes I was extremely healthy, sometimes I ate whatever crossed my path.  Sometimes I would work out like a crazy person.  Mostly I would not.

This was an epic 10 year moment.  And I kept telling myself, "It's not good but it's temporary.  You're doing the best you can."

And I certainly was.  For the last 3 years of that 10 year moment, I worked full time.  So now the schedule was governed by an 8-hour day of sitting at a desk and stress about how much I didn't love working.  Then going home to the reality of having to sit back down at my desk for 6 more hours to read/write/think.  Later on in the process I started working out with a trainer (Cristina was the best) and I loved doing it but I knew I couldn't sustain it enough to make me feel good about it.  I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Though it nearly killed me, mentally and physically, I finally finished that goddamn thing.  I climbed Garbage Mountain. And the relief was massive, washing over me for about a month like the coolest, most satisfying, most brilliantly colored wave of awesome.  My head felt so much lighter and my heart was utterly relieved.  But about two months into my reverie, an incredible, all-encompassing fatigue set in.  Massive fatigue.  It was hard to move.  It was hard to think.  Nothing felt satisfying or worthwhile.  I could find no comfort in any facet of my life.  Surprising to me, that I finished that turmoil nearly two years ago and there are days when I still feel exhausted by it.  

[Sidebar: Even writing this, I can't deny this sounds very much like depression.  I actually went to counseling for years while I was writing my dissertation and it did help very much.  Neither my therapist nor I ever called this depression.  It wasn't clinical.  It truly was abject exhaustion which, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if more "depressed people" were actually suffering from.  Sometimes we all just need a BREAK.]

The first year after was the worst--almost worse than the actual last days of the project itself.  I made a treasure trove of bad decisions the worst of which was that I took an awful job that I would grow to hate over that upcoming year.  I use that word sparingly but the amount of anger and resentment I still carry about it makes me think it's appropriate. The stress of a bad relationship with a boss who I thought was an ally but really wasn't combined with a much longer commute through city traffic meant I was suffering the same level of stress, lethargy, and anxiety I had with my dissertation just with a different view out my window, usually car window.

And then I left that job (WIN!) with nothing else lined up (LOSING!) and staggering student loan payments (LOSING MORE!) and a complete loss of self really (LOST!); I had this tabula rasa moment about my life.  I didn't know what to do.  I lost a couple long-time friends (that maybe now I see were not as 100% wonderful as I had thought).  I didn't know how to do anything.  I couldn't focus, reading books was torture, and smiling wasn't really happening enough...if ever.  I was drinking a fair (but not corrosive) amount. I was having a literal hard time getting out of bed, not because I wanted to kill myself but because I was so fucking tired. 

And then there was rest.  Last summer, I was unemployed for about 3 months.  And it was the best time of my life.

To the chagrin of friends and family, I forced myself to not sweat not having a job.  I sent out some applications, I perused the job boards, but I limited the room for that kind of anxiety to 2 hours in the early morning.  The rest of the day was about addressing what had become the me that I didn't want to be anymore; a me who was a downer, who couldn't fit into any of my clothes, who looked like crap.

I slept like I've never slept before.  I wore yoga pants and didn't worry about it. I started actually caring for myself.  I had the luxury of really thinking hard about what I needed.  And the fruits of that glorious 3-month process were some of the most promising, most enlightened thoughts and feelings I've ever had.  I started eating better.  I started working out with more regularity.  I tried to assign guilt less when I didn't come through on things.  I tried to be more discerning in what I did, prioritizing fun, lightness, and joy over anything else.  I started playing tennis and sweating like a crazy person, outside, with new friends.  I could feel a surge of normalcy hit.  And I was so grateful.  Something was working.

The path still was (is) not clear but the recognition that this is my life and I only have one to make of it what I will was so strong.  I had never thought that before.  I now have the seeds of a much more interesting, worthwhile journey.  

In the meantime, I got another job, I started looking for fun and joy much more intentionally, I'm getting kinda good at tennis, I dyed my hair completely purple.  I started minding myself, thinking through the moments I need to push and the moments I need to just give myself a pat on the back. I've rebounded in a lot of ways and I'm working on planning rebounds in others.  But thank God for that 3 months last summer.  

It was nothing short of divine intervention.

Praise Jesus and Namaste.

A Storm's A' Comin'

I play tennis on Thursday nights, among others.  Usually I find myself harried, driving down Lake Shore Drive like a demon, late to the gym in Lincoln Park that has indoor tennis courts.

I wasn't looking for this particularly, but as I was cursing the idiot driver in front of me, going 20mph, I pulled onto LSD on this day and this view presented itself to me.  This is such a rarity to see the Drive stretch out virtually empty in front of you.  Add in the eclectic mix of clouds--some menacing, some beautiful, and a tad of blue sky in there somewhere--and it was a sight that did not literally stop me in my tracks but inspired me enough to shoot this picture "on the fly" in a couple different ways.

This really spoke to me today.  Beautiful in its disarray.  I immediately felt like this image summarized all the possibility (and also the foreboding) to come in the next months.

More on that soon.

Suffice it to say, I've decided to make some changes that I know will be challenging, that I will fight against either immediately or eventually, and that will impose themselves and their own rules on me as I make my way through.  And that's okay; in fact, that's great.  That's necessary at this point.

But this view today, presented as a gift I'm sure, reminded me that even foreboding, even challenge, even storms, even a confusion of all of them have their own beauty and space in a world that may seem overly known.

And beauty isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

Sometimes, the world needs several layers of clouds and the restlessness of a storm moving in not because it helps us appreciate the sun, but because it in and of itself is something to truly behold.

I Am a Fat Girl. And I Do Yoga.

I am a fat girl.  Always have been.  And I do yoga.  Have for awhile.  

And that's a great thing.

I also happen to be in a need of a project.  No, like a serious project.  In my life, I've completed serious intellectual projects.  Serious feats of strength.  Serious projects of risk and daring.  They have been amazing. 

But the truth is, I've been looking for two other kinds of projects that have never materialized as I would've hoped.  I want a physical challenge and I want a spiritual challenge.  Go figure, then, that I am fat AND already to yoga.

The pump is primed, as they say.

In what felt very provocative to me, I wondered one day, "I wonder if the next project should be finding some peace, clarity, love, and general warm fuzzy things in doing something good for my physical being?"

Uhhhhmmmm, yes the Universe seemed to respond almost immediately.

"But can I do both?"

It's the only way, Katie.  It's the only way. 

I've always been athletic.  I've always been overweight, more and more bogged down by the baggage that comes with that.  I've always been reflective--hyper-reflective some might say.  And I've never been able to intersect these two things with any meaning.

Maybe, health in both mind and body comes not part and parcel of each other but absolutely fused together.  Seeking contentment in both might be the only way.

Thus sprung this manifestation of that reflection.  Thus springs this particular blog.

I've always written about reflective, spiritual things, not even thinking twice that perhaps applying that same introspection into my own physical reality could really become something important.  Finally, not that long ago it seemed to gel.  I need a place and time to do that.

And the courage to just confront it.

Instead of trying to change, why not grasp this moment to transform.

It's who I am.  Now let's shine.